We Properly Fought A 38Minute War, Mate

By Warren Hamilton Category: Forgotten History 21st May 2026

Back in 1896 a row in Zanzibar turned into what historians now cheerfully call the shortest war ever. Not a spat, not a long chat over a pint - a proper military thing that lasted about 38 minutes. You couldn't make it up if you tried, unless you were writing for those daft historical drama people.

Here's what happened: the proBritish sultan of Zanzibar died. His successor popped up without asking the blokes in London if that was alright. Britain didn't fancy an unsanctioned sultan on their doorstep, so they issued an ultimatum. The new fellow ignored it, because why not - maybe he thought they were bluffing or couldn't be arsed.

When the deadline ran out, British warships in the harbour opened up. They shelled the sultan's palace, his artillery positions and the one or two little naval bits Zanzibar could muster. The palace was mostly wrecked, the rebel flag was trampled, and by the time the paperwork people on both sides had caught up, the whole business was over. Forty minutes later Britain had installed a ruler they preferred. Proper efficient, like a council meeting with guns.

Casualties were mostly on the Zanzibari side and pretty grim; British losses were negligible. Still, that lopsidedness didn't stop the tale getting silly - everyone remembers it as the war you could leave halfway through and still catch the end of a football match. Imagine turning up to fight and before you've remembered where you put your helmet it's done. That's modern diplomacy for you.

I like it because it's gloriously daft: empires fussing about protocol and a man in a palace learning that if you ignore the Navy they are less interested in tea and more interested in smashing your windows. Makes our council squabbles look positively wholesome, doesn't it?